Bola: Bayoooooo. I didin go to the site yesturdayy but I sent you and Sunday. Tell me.

 Bayo: Sir. The site was terrible. We could still perceive the roast smell of burnt villagers. We had to use face masks.

BAT: Mai Gurrr. Awon mola shaaa. May their souls rest in peace. Where is Dada?

DOlusegun: Daddy, the backlash is still growing. They’re saying you went to Benue but didn’t even visit the massacre site. Just came to Makurdi, waved, and left.

BAT: ugh hin hin . As a prezzdent, they want me to enta the bushhh? I told IGP that I want to see arrests, I trust Kayode and av done my best. Send 20M to Alia, very naiicee man.

DO: Okay sir. And sir… Niger. The floods. The people are still waiting. Some say you’ve abandoned the North completely.

 BAT: ahn ahn, am aiii the one that sent the clouds? I can’t Naiger, Wike needs me in Abuja for some commissioning.

DO: Sir, if we don’t go or address it, Obi will speak. You know he—

BAT: Obiiii, Obiiiiii. Peter will enter a war zone with okada and one sachet of Milo, then come out shouting, “I am the only one that cares.” The last time I went to Niger, did I not wear their babanriga? I even drank fura that gave me running stomach. Please leavee me. Ooobi should go and govaarn his whatsapp group – that is his only caabinet. (He pauses, squints like he’s remembering something.) The only North I am interested in now, is the APC crisis in Gombe. Have they settled it?

DO: Not yet, sir. The Northern chairmen are threatening to form a parallel structure. Even Rufai said you cannot be reelected in 2027?

BAT: Structureee? (laughs) Struuuucture? Let them form structure in their backyard first. Which Rufai? The girl on Arise or that short man that I made minister in my head, but he started running podcasts? Kaduna Rufai?

 DO: Yes sir. Mallam Nasir. He even hinted at a possible “northern consensus.”

BAT: Consensus ko, combustion ni. Even Atiku is forming consensus. In 2027, we will steal it, grab it and run away with it again. (giggles) With the new INEC headquarteurs in Abuja, don’ttt worry. Everyone wants to form structure, no one wants to form solution. A party is not buka, you don’t just break and open your own next door! DO: Sir, Should we respond?

BAT: Of cozz not, Was I not the one who said “emi lokan”? And did I not collect it? my fren, the game is the game. Now, I own the pitch. And I know the referee’s village. (turns to Bayo) Where is Wike sef?

Bayo: Wike is in Rivers today, sir.

BAT: Hmmm. Good. Tell him to check on that place where we cut ribbin last week. The rice processing one. They should paint it white. Glossy white like Dubai building. I want Dada to post it next Sunday.

DO: Should we drop pictures from your Benue trip? BAT: Use filter first. Don’t post anything from the site. Post that small faiine baby twice, front and back. Add small green. Like hope.

 DO: Sir, what of Enugu? There were killings there, too.

BAT: Aarrrrghh, Dada, just prepare the playlist for my trip to Saint Lucia. That one with Fela, Sunny Ade, and that new boy – Asake. My only business with Enugu is when they tell me the Chieftaincy title is ready, leeaave them. I am the preezzdent.

DO: Okay sir.

BAT: You are doing well, Dada. Bami pe seyi, let him check this laptop for me – this gadddam power button. Also tell Akpabio that I will be sending a 3B budget replacement for

By: Ayo Salako

Credit: X|@UnkleAyo

AI generated Cartoon credit: X|@Dancrusoe10